The Top Reason Marriages “Fail”
This is the number one reason for Marriage break ups in Canada! In fact it is the number one reason that any relationship has troubles.
So, what does this really mean? I would define “Unresolved Resentment” as the emotions that are left over and usually suppressed, as a result of an agreement. It is a fact that no one ever really wins an agreement. Someone walks away feeling hurt or mad. The reason for this hurt and pain is that we have been brought up to fight for a “Win, Loose” solution to any argument (big or small). “I Win, You Loose”.
What usually happens is that the winners get to feel proud of themselves, their self-esteem goes up, and they can feel superior to somebody until the next time. The winner gets a short lived boost to the ego.
The looser, on the other hand, usually feels hurt, threatened, shamed and humiliated. As a result, the looser starts to plan their revenge. They become spiteful and vindictive. The point is that the looser now starts putting time and effort into getting even.
Whereas, the winners will get a few hours high out of the win, the looser will consume 5 or 6 times that in licking their wounds and planning their revenge. This is what I call “Unresolved Resentment”
Now, let assume that this agreement was between a married couple or any two people living together. Are you going to want to feel warm and loving toward you partner knowing that they deliberately hurt you? (Not likely). Now, think about this situation after 4 or 5 years of living together. Most couples have 3 or 4 fights a month, that’s over 200 fights, that’s over 200 times that you have hurt one another. How loving are you going to want to feel towards a person that you have fought with that many times and/ or been hurt by that many times?
Now, Of course, this applies to any relationship, whether it is between you: and your kids, or your family, or your friends, or your co-workers, or your club members, or other (religious, ethnic, colour, sexual orientation, or nationality), and especially yourself (when you beat yourself up for your attitude or what you should or should not do).
So, the obvious question is “How Do You Fix It?” Well, the first step is to stop worrying so much about the past. It is gone and you cannot change one thing that happened in the past. You can harbor a grudge or bad feelings about some “Thing” or some “Body”, but is that helping you improve the relationship any? Probably not! Can you change someone else? “No”. Who can you change? “You”. If you are feeling miserable, “Is that how you want to feel?” “No”. Then what can “YOU” do to change things?
The bottom line is that you have a “Choice”. Your choice could be to let go of all of those past hurts and feeling that you have to get even. Your choice could be to try to view things in a more positive way, (rather than seeing things as an attack on you, you could see things as an opportunity to learn and grow together). Your choice could be to discuss your relationship with your partner and see if you both want to work at improving things between you. As you both begin “Try To Make Things Better”, and as the negative feeling start to fade away, your choice could be to view your partner in more of a “Loving Way”.
You could do a lot of things to improve your relationships, but the point is “Do You Want To?” Or. do you want to become part of the statistic that “51% of Marriages in Canada, end in Divorce”.
In my private counseling practice, I help people “Work On Themselves”. And, I also help them “Work Together”. It is all based on the fact that they “Both Want To Improve Things”.
The trouble is that “It Is Not Easy” to fix things. No, it’s not! You were thinking negatively for years. It will take some time and effort to change the way you think, (both of you). It all depends on “How Much You Think Your Relationship Is Worth To You?”
This is my specialty. I help people to look at “Themselves” differently. I help people to look at “Each Other” differently. I can show you how to “Improve” you relationships.
Everyone does some kind of “Financial Investment Planning” for their future. You might want to consider some “Relationship Investment Planning” to insure a “Strong Loving” relationship in your future.
Your relationship, like anything else, is something you should review every so often, to see if it is healthy and growing the way you want it to. You check your finances periodically, you should check your relationship periodically, too!
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